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Listen Better, Lead Better

Awork, Freelance mentor Hamburg, Germany

We all had a manager who doesn’t seem to listen to a single word we say, and if we don’t, it’s probably because we are that person. I’ve been on both ends, but I found a way out of the vicious cycle. The answer is active listening.

As leaders, we have a lot of influence and power to make changes. We owe the team the responsibility of taking care of the team members, helping them grow, and supporting them in tough times, and we cannot do this effectively if we don’t know how to actively listen.

Why would someone listen to us if we don’t listen to them?

Active listening is a communication skill that involves going beyond simply hearing the words that another person speaks, to seek to understand the meaning and intent behind them.

Listening builds trust, builds shared understanding, and puts the people on the same side to work toward a solution.

Explore with me the meaning of active listening, how it can help us be more effective and empathetic leaders, and how to practice it.

This talk has been presented at TechLead Conference 2024, check out the latest edition of this Tech Conference.

FAQ

The three levels of listening are: Level 1 (Listening to answer) - where the listener often interrupts and shifts the focus to themselves; Level 2 (Listening to understand the words) - where the listener follows along and their responses make sense; Level 3 (Active listening) - where the listener understands both what is said and what is not said, creating a deep connection.

Active listening is the practice of fully focusing on, understanding, and responding to the speaker, not just their words but also their emotions and unspoken messages. It is important because it creates trust, empathy, and deeper relationships, which are crucial for effective leadership and meaningful interactions.

The BREW framework stands for Be Present, Reflect, Encourage, and Withhold Judgment. It is a method to practice active listening: Be Present involves focusing entirely on the speaker; Reflect means showing that you are following along; Encourage involves asking open-ended questions to keep the conversation flowing; Withhold Judgment means creating a safe, non-judgmental environment.

You can improve your active listening skills by practicing the BREW framework: Be Present by focusing on the speaker; Reflect by showing you are following their story; Encourage by asking open-ended questions; and Withhold Judgment by creating a non-judgmental environment. Regular practice will help you develop these skills.

Withholding judgment during conversations is important because it creates a safe environment for the speaker to express themselves freely, without fear of criticism or rejection. This openness fosters trust and allows for more honest and productive dialogues.

In the initial difficult conversation, the author failed to practice active listening. They interrupted the team member, shifted the focus to themselves, and delivered a speech that did not lead to constructive outcomes. This approach crushed the team member's confidence and left the author with a negative feeling.

The author resolved the situation by apologizing to the team member and addressing the issue with an active listening mindset. They practiced the BREW framework, listened at level three, and engaged empathetically, which helped improve the relationship and situation.

The 'death bubble' is a term used by the author to describe a state where communication is one-sided, with words going out but not coming in. It signifies a failure to listen actively and engage with the other person's perspective.

Active listening is crucial for leadership because it builds trust, empathy, and deeper relationships. These elements are essential for understanding team members, fostering collaboration, and creating an environment where everyone feels valued and heard, leading to more effective and cohesive team dynamics.

If you realize you're not practicing active listening during a conversation, you should refocus on the speaker, apply the BREW framework by being present, reflecting, encouraging, and withholding judgment, and make a conscious effort to understand both what is being said and what is not being said.

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Lean Vilas

7 min

15 Jun, 2024

Comments

Video Summary and Transcription

Active listening is a powerful tool that can improve relationships and foster growth. The BREW framework provides guidance for effective communication, emphasizing the importance of being present, reflecting, encouraging, and withholding judgment. Active listening involves understanding what is not being said and creates trust and empathy. By practicing active listening and using the BREW framework, leaders can become more effective in their roles.

Available in Español: Escucha Mejor, Lidera Mejor

1. The Power of Active Listening

Short description:

As a first-time leader, I learned the power of active listening and the problems that arise from not doing so. Despite seeking advice and feeling prepared, I completely failed at active listening during a difficult conversation, leaving me with more questions than answers. I realized the importance of different levels of listening: answering, understanding the words, and active listening. Active listening, the highest level, involves understanding what is not being said and creates trust and empathy.

As I was navigating a leadership role for the first time at the beginning of 2021, I experienced firsthand the positive power of active listening and the problems of not doing so. One team member was underperforming, and I needed to have a difficult conversation with him to address the situation.

By nature, I'm a person that has a lot of opinions on how to do things, and I also would have an answer prepared even before the other person finished their sentence. So, being aware of this, I seek for advice from fellow team leaders. They suggested to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and listen to their point of view in order to understand their vision of the situation and what we could do to address the situation.

So, I took the advice. I was feeling prepared. I was feeling empowered. I was ready to go in there and have an amazing meeting. I went into that one-on-one, and I did completely the opposite. It was a mess. I completely crushed the other person's confidence. I gave a really nice, you-figure-this-out sort of speech, which didn't lead anywhere. I left that meeting with a horrible feeling and with more questions than answers. I was in what I like to call the death bubble, so words go out but don't go in. I knew I needed to do better.

So, I started learning about leadership, and I started reading about how to have difficult conversations, and I learned that listening comes in different flavors. We will call them the three levels of listening. Listening at level one is to answer. This is a person who keeps interrupting you when you're telling a story about your holidays, for example, and keeps moving the focus to themselves, saying things like, ah, yes, I did this, or oh, no, you should have done that, or things like that. It creates a feeling of annoyance, usually. Then we have listening at level two, so to understand the words. This is a person that you can tell is following along because their answers and follow-ups, they make sense. Finally, we have listening at level three, or what I call active listening. This is to understand what is not being said. When we practice active listening, we are aware of everything that is going on, the context, the words, the feelings. This is a person that we will define as they get us. This person that seems to be feeling with us, seems to be going through our story together with us, and has a very deep connection. This is where we want to get. This is where we want to get because active listening creates trust, and it creates empathy.

2. The Art of Active Listening

Short description:

Active listening helps create deeper relationships and fosters growth. Engaging in a conversation is crucial, and the BREW framework can guide us. BREW stands for Be Present, Reflect, Encourage, and Withhold Judgment. Being present means focusing on the other person's words, feelings, and body language. Reflecting and encouraging exploration can keep the conversation flowing. Withholding judgment creates a safe environment. By practicing active listening and using the Brew framework, we can improve relationships and become effective leaders.

It creates a much deeper relationship that we can then foster in order to create more meaningful relationships and help the other person grow. We need to understand the other person's point of reference, and we need to get rid of our assumptions in order to be able to make progress together.

Because a dialogue of one is not a conversation, but a monologue, we also need to engage. We are not only passive listeners, we need to actively engage into the conversation. The way we can do that in an empathetic way is by implementing the BREW framework. It is not related to drinking coffee, although that might help sometimes. BREW stands for Be Present, Reflect, Encourage, and Withhold Judgment.

Being present is all about shutting off our minds and putting the focus on the other person, on the words, the feelings, the body language, everything that is happening around the conversation. Reflect is all about letting the other person know that you are following along the story and you're in sync, so you could say something like, I can see you're feeling X. The next point is encourage. Encouraging is all about exploring, being curious, and making the other person explore new paths, asking open-ended questions to keep the conversation flowing. Finally, we have withhold judgment, which is all about creating a safe environment for the other person to express themselves without fear of being judged.

I can say gladly that my story ended well. I had the opportunity to apologize to the person and to address the situation with a more active listening sort of mindset, and this is something I did just by practicing this framework. I identified and popped the death bubble. I listened at level three to understand the words and what is not being said, and finally, I engaged using the Brew framework. This is all about active listening. We can already start doing it today. You can just practice this, grab this framework and go ahead and practice because it's all about practicing the skill. If you try it out and practice it enough, I promise you, you will have much more fulfilling relationships and you will become a much more effective leader. Thank you very much.

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